How I Quit Smoking

Let’s just begin with the truth here: I’m a quitter. I have quit, and quit, and quit again. Twice I quit smoking for more than a year at a stretch before I resumed the habit. And so far this time it’s only been a week since I quit smoking. I’m maybe not the best person to look to for advice or inspiration. In fact, I really just came here to rant about how absolutely annoyed I still feel and that I want to crush and smash things. But should you be here seeking help- I’ll do my best! I might also cuss!

I only started smoking when my kids were little and I was isolated, bored, and struggling emotionally with my mom’s rapid and frightening health deterioration. Considering that my “baby” is now thirteen, it’s still been some years that I have been a pack-a-day-or-less smoker. I did take breaks in there, quitting for 9-12 month stretches at a time, a few times. Each time vape pens helped me get through the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. Each time I did notice the health benefits of quitting smoking. And yet, each time I relapsed.

I think I understand my dependence on smoking, and it goes deeper than addiction. For me, it is a coping mechanism. A sanity saver. As an empath and a Type A personality, I believe I benefit from smoke breaks to escape the difficult world I live in for ten minutes, once an hour. Smoking time is strictly me-time, or social time with friends who smoke. No kids allowed. No interruptions appreciated. Quiet, calming, sanity. During a “smoke-break” I gather my thoughts. I make decisions. I change direction. I put things to bed. I regather, refresh, charge up. Since I have quit smoking, I kinda feel like I’m rolling willy-nilly through life. I’ll just have to figure out another way to cope.

I must have some mad motivation then, eh? Let’s talk about motivation, because you really need a lot of it to tackle any addiction. For me, the main motivation of this attempt is money.

I’m not sure if you’re reading this from Cali, so just in case you’re not- we recently saw the taxes on cigarettes increase by $2 a pack here, thanks to our wise and punitive voters. I’m still kinda mad about that- I mean, we’re not coming for your sugary drinks (which kills 184,000 people every year).. or your Big Macs (obesity likely kills around 2.5 million people every year).. or your alcohol (which kills around 88,000 people a year) and ruins countless more lives….

Voters in California are total jerks!

But I admit- incentives to quit are probably a really good thing when it comes to such a destructive addiction like smoking. :/ So far only good of it has come for me and my friends. Annoying good is still good. Of my closest friends and family, more than half have all quit since the tax was imposed. It was, for many of us, a great kick in the pants.

For me, smoking was already a guilty pleasure costing me and my family about $135. But since the tax was imposed it’s been impossible to get away for less than  $210. That’s too gluttonous for me when we are living check to check to make sure our active teens have every opportunity right now. Those kids are darn expensive, and worth every sacrifice too. So, I had to do it.

I think that deep obligation you feel, the “I HAVE to do it” mentality, the one that gets us up in the morning to drive kids around, or take them to the doctor when they are sick, or show up at work when we don’t really want to- it’s powerful. I have been tapping into it this week and I think it has been the strategy that is working above all others to help me quit. I just HAVE to. No arguments, no excuses, no nothing. I can’t even consider a puff to ease the pain, it is not acceptable. I’m just DONE. If you have a deep sense of obligation, tap into that sucker, let it motivate you to succeed.

My other strategies for success have not been near so healthy. I joked with my friends last night that I have replaced one bad habit with several other bad habits this past week- and it’s unfortunately true. The worst of these bad habits is binge eating, and eating sugar in particular. Sugar is my enemy. It flares my gout, it causes inflammation and pain in my body, my weight has shot up a few pounds already, and that’s hard on my loose and arthritic joints. But SWEET JESUS it helps. Nicotine withdrawal symptoms are really freaking awful. When “I’m just DONE” crashes into “Fuck it, I need a smoke!” I just eat chocolate and feel a lot better.

I’ve said it before in other posts and I’ll say it again- don’t feel obligated to make my mistakes. I’m just flailing my way through life and probably doing it “wrong” more than I do it right… then justifying myself later by saying, “it all happened for a reason, now I’m smarter and shit.”

Told you, cussing.

But chocolate, it does in fact help. And it’s easier to ease up on later, I think. As soon as these wicked withdrawals stop I’m sure I’ll revisit my usual, healthier dietary habits.

I’ve also taken a few shots of tequila to dull the nicotine cravings, and I’m not sure that was a good idea. It’s a miracle I didn’t feel just tipsy enough to lose my resolve and smoke a whole pack at once! I was in a social situation at the time where many were smoking and I was going crazy so tequila it was. I did ok but I don’t recommend this. Do not do this. I’m going to try not to do this again.

Probably the one healthy thing I’m doing that absolutely helps with the desperation that is withdrawal symptoms is SWIM. I can feel the anxiety burn off as I’m swimming laps in the morning, and by the end of my work-out I have much less anxiety, and that feeling lasts for a while. I can’t swim all day, so I have to just keep swimming, eh? 😉

Day 7. One week. I’ve made it this far, and I intend to make it a lot farther. I’m still suffering from withdrawals somewhat and that sucks. But I was just with some active smokers and didn’t even think once, “I want a cig.” Not once. I’m getting there. I just have to remain patient.

Now, if you somehow made it this far and still want to take advice from me, this is what I’d tell you: Make the decision, be firm on it, remind yourself that “this too shall pass” each time you want to give up, indulge yourself a little, forgive yourself a lot, exercise to burn off some of the anxiety, and YOU CAN DO THIS. I can do this. I’m going to keep doing this. Let’s do it together.

Current Project: still prepping for this weekend’s yard sale and I’m bored to death but it needs done.

Current Soundtrack: Alabama Shakes Radio on Spotify

I’m Reading: Lab Girl by Hope Jahren



A Perfect Storm : Life with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

Sometimes I get pretty smug about how well I live my life with a connective tissue disorder, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. See my post: Swim and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome for an example. I am pretty proud of myself for regaining my health after a long six or seven years spent disabled by the condition.. it took a lot of research, and then a lot of grief, and then a lot of work and commitment to get to the place I’m in now, which is mainly healthy and pretty active. But every now and then I’m humbled by the power of this condition to take complete control of my life when I least expect it.

No matter how hard I try to remain healthy, now and again I get sidelined. Most usually it is stress, or a simple virus, that knocks me down and puts me out of the game of life for a while. I recently wrote about stress and how I manage it, after what was an incredibly emotionally exhausting saga in my life. I know how important it is to manage stress because this isn’t my first rodeo. I knew at the time I wrote that post that I would be paying for that stressful experience, and I was trying to be proactive to minimize the damage. And still, here I am, in severe pain, contemplating a long recovery from what began as a common cold.

As I feared might happen, extreme stress likely led to susceptibility to infection, and a simple annoying cold caused the perfect storm. I caught cold a week ago and it has been pretty nasty. I ended up laying around for several days (bad, bad, bad when you have EDS.) I violently sneezed a lot, which caused me to dislocate my shoulder and aggravate an old back injury. And so on top of a wicked cold all of the muscles in my shoulder and upper back are spasming. There are hot knives in my back and neck now, and it’s hard to sit, hard to stand, hard to sleep, hard to move. I know from experience that I should move anyway, but there’s nothing like severe pain to discourage that nonsense! If I don’t move, my recovery will be longer. If I do move, it’s agonizing and slow. I know from experience that I will not likely feel 100% again for days if not weeks. It’s frustrating.

Another complication of the common cold for me is a flare-up of my dysautonomia symptoms. Dysautonomia is the malfunction of the autonomic nervous system- which controls your “automatic” body functions like blood pressure, heart rate, digestion and temperature control. I nearly faint every time I stand, I’m freezing and my arms and legs are ice blocks. My heart races and palpitates. I can’t think clearly, I forget words and sometimes even slur. I’ve been “lucky” to find much relief from this common comorbidity of EDS through swim. But I haven’t been swimming lately, and for whatever reason these problematic symptoms always comes back with a vengeance when I get sick.

So here I am still sick with the remnants of a cold, hot knives in my back and neck- dizzy, cold and exhausted, wondering how long this flare-up is going to last. In the meantime I’m darned near useless as a human being and there’s nothing I hate more than doing nothing. Productivity is very important to me. If nothing else, when I’m down I like to knit- but looking down at my work is impossible when my neck is spasming… and so I read and watch Netflix, taking frequent breaks to stretch- and work hard at being nice to myself. Patience is what I must practice, in times like these.

One thing I have learned is that I will recover, even if it takes a while- I will wake up pain-free once more, I will be back in the pool in time, and I will be smug about my good health again. And then, when I least expect it, EDS will strike again.

Today’s Project: Family history research on

Today’s Soundtrack: Coloring Book by Chance the Rapper

I’m Reading: The Stand by Stephen King. For the third time. It’s been a while.

How I Manage Stress

In my last post I mentioned that my mom had been in the hospital one week. One week became two. Then fifteen days. And yesterday, finally, mom came home. I’m here to say that that was THE MOST stressful fifteen days of my life. This is significant as mom’s hospitalizations are not rare. She has been hospitalized dozens of times in the past twenty years, sometimes for good stretches of time. One time she was hospitalized for a month. It’s never easy to see her sick, or to have to visit her in a hospital, but this time was different for a number of reasons.

My mom suffers from a number of complicated conditions including Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, peripheral vascular disease, and diabetes. She has suffered almost two dozen amputations. If you cannot imagine that, don’t try- it’s worse than you can fathom. I’ve never known a human being to suffer physically as much as or more than my mom. The amazing thing is that she still has a smile on her face, optimism for the future, and a love of life. She has made all of this easier for us all by remaining peaceful in her heart, no matter how bad things got.

The reasons this hospitalization was so stressful are numerous- she was deathly ill, and many days we weren’t sure if she would recover. She had contracted an infectious disease, and we all had to be careful and wary not to spread it around or catch it ourselves. She was hospitalized in an unusual place- she usually would have been sent to a different facility but they did not have available beds. And then there were the numerous outrageous failures that occurred at the hospital almost every day… she suffered misdiagnosis x2, which delayed her treatment and risked her life. There were failures in training, failures in proper procedure, miscommunications with doctors, every day came with something to worry about!

Instead of merely visiting and supporting my mom and family during her hospitalization, I had to expend additional emotional resources and time fighting with the hospital to ensure she got the care she needed to survive, and to protect not just her- but other patients at the facility. I met with admins all the way up to the CEO of the hospital over several days. I argued with five doctors. Five. When a few of those doctors would not listen to us or help my mom I had to go above their heads to complain and plead for the treatments she needed. It was insanity. I spent every ounce of energy I had these past few weeks, and so today I am simply spent. Emotionally exhausted. DONE.

I know that I need to recharge, so today I will begin to heal my heart and rest my mind by employing some tactics I use to manage stress and protect my health. These are the strategies I find to be helpful:

Make noise. Talking to a friend, loved one,  a therapist (or even a pet) is probably the very first and most important thing I do when I am going through something stressful. Not only does it help me “get it all out” and process events, but it makes me feel like I am not alone, that I have support.

There are times when I don’t have anybody easily accessible to talk to, but I’ve found that simply making noise is also beneficial to relieving tension. A really cool friend of mine taught me this trick, she told me that one of her stress-relief strategies was to “Let it out your mouth”- meaning to speak, yell, groan, shriek, whatever you feel like you need to do to release the pent up frustration you feel. I have found this to be very good advice. In overwhelming moments when I don’t have anybody to talk to I might just simply groan, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” and find some immediate relief. Even though this is a private activity I would do in my car or somewhere where nobody else can hear me, I still felt strange and embarrassed at first- right up until I realized that it helped. Now I have no shame.

Writing. For me writing is an excellent way to unload all of the things on my mind that are bothering me. It’s not always enough to talk to a friend, though that helps and I’ve been lucky enough to be able to do that. When I write down my thoughts I almost always feel an immediate release of tension in my body, and those pesky swirling thoughts begin to dissipate. When I read back my writings, I find it helps me to process difficult experiences and come up with solutions to my problems.

In case you do not like to write, I would recommend you try a very simple exercise I learned decades ago from Oprah. Try keeping a gratitude journal, listing just three things a day that you are grateful for. Write those things down, re-read them. Review your entries weekly, allow yourself to smile.

Rest. I make sure I’m getting eight hours of sleep a night at minimum. This often means that I cannot agree to take on extra responsibilities or make fun evening plans with my friends- but when I am rested I feel better both emotionally and physically. Since I get up very early to deliver my daughters to school I must adopt a very early bedtime. Sometimes I struggle to let go of things still undone by bedtime, but the dishes will be there for me when I wake up. As will the laundry, and anything else that I might have to put off to make sure I get enough rest.

Fuel. When life is crazy and you’re running around a lot or exhausted, it’s easy and sometimes even necessary to eat fast food. I did it sooooo much more than usual these past few weeks when I felt that I had no other choice. I didn’t have the emotional energy to care about what I was putting in my body.. in a pinch I selected chicken sandwiches, fries and a soda with caffeine just so I could remain upright. I consumed more than one Snickers bar in a pinch for time and out of desperation for comfort. But I won’t hold that against myself now, it’s done. Now that the danger is past (I’m hoping), I will think more about fueling my body and make healthier choices: real food, real ingredients, very little processed stuff, less meat and more fruits and veggies. I’m never perfect in my diet but I’ve learned that small changes made frequently add up to make big improvements in my health and wellness.

Movement. For two weeks I haven’t been to the pool once. I never felt that I had the luxury of an hour to myself, I always felt that I needed to be ready to be there for my family at any moment. I spent the majority of the time sitting- mostly in my car or in a chair at the hospital. As a result I had no way to burn off stress or remain fit. My body aches, I can feel the high hum of anxiety in my chest. When I regularly swim I notice that I hurt so much less, and I can burn off some of that tension. Tomorrow I will resume my usual habit of swimming 3-4x a week, and I can’t wait. I don’t love having to exercise, or having to go to the gym to do it, but with much experience at it I know that movement is medicine.

Acknowledging reality. Today my mind is racing back through everything that has happened and I recognize that this is my brain’s way of recapping events so that I can make sense of them and put them to rest. I will choose activities that allow my mind to wander so that I can process this important information. Some might believe that NOT thinking the tough stuff through is what is best, but I know that even though it might hurt- acknowledging my problems and thinking through them is the only way to come up with solutions and finding a sense of resolution.

Creativity. As long as everything goes good I should begin to have time to myself again this week to do with what I will. I look forward to posting here about some of my recent projects, and to starting some new projects. It always makes me feel awesome to produce something beautiful and new.

Today’s Project: Stress Relief

Today’s Soundtrack: Roller Derby Roadtrip Playlist on Spotify
*Oooh, I need to update this! Maybe I’ll work on that some today.

I’m Reading: The Butterfly Garden by Dot Hutchison

Swim and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

If you met me today you might think it surprising that I once spent more than three years of my life disabled. I was walking with a cane, slurring my speech, weak and in excruciating pain, grossly overweight, taking pills all day, fainting often, unable to function in the real-world: disabled. But it happened, and the most important thing I ever did was get in a pool.

A photo posted by Phaedra (@phaeriedust) on

It all started when I was born, really. I have a genetic connective tissue disease called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome that has been present since birth. On reflection it is clear that there were indications of this condition when I was a kid, but it wasn’t until I turned 30 before I began having serious health problems. I am lucky, many who have EDS are plagued by severe symptoms all their lives.

For me it started with fatigue, I remember. I felt exhausted all of the time. Pain soon followed. I had muscle spasms, nerve pain, arthritis in my joints, the whole thing, all the time. I was injured around this time; I fell and dislocated my collarbone which violently pulled my whole shoulder out of socket. The stretched ligaments in my shoulder stayed stretched and my shoulder began dislocating frequently, often every day, sometimes a few times a day. The muscles in my shoulder, neck and back would spasm in revolt and I would be stuck motionless until the spasm stopped- sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks. Life became hell.

I saw some doctors, and then some more doctors, and then some more. I spent more than six years at getting a diagnosis, and then only found success after a relative was diagnosed with the same condition. In the meantime I was falling apart.

It kills me to think of it now- how much of my life I missed during what I now refer to as the “dark years”. I never once stepped foot in my youngest child’s preschool. Not once. I quit cooking dinners for my family. I quit running my business, with which I made enough money to contribute financially to the household. I was just that sick. Everything came apart.

I took all the medications suggested to me by doctors. I tried various diets and took advice from anybody and everywhere. I saw all sorts of specialists. I even went to spiritual healers and sought help from alternative medicine gurus. I got all the help in the world and did everything I could think of to get better, but nothing worked. I researched endlessly. I became extremely frustrated and disillusioned with the medical system. I began to believe that I may be disabled for all of my life. Year after miserable year passed and yet I just couldn’t give up hope.

Then one day I walked into a new physical therapy office with a pool and everything changed. I mean, it wasn’t immediate or anything- it took some time and I worked for it. But when I was released from water therapy just one month later I was already a changed person, on a path that would lead me to wellness.

Prior to being put in a pool for therapy I wasn’t physically active almost at all because it hurt so bad, and because I was so exhausted. Exercise was near impossible for me. I was in a gloomy place, I was anxious, I was bored, I was weak. During water therapy I began to see improvements in all of those areas. My pain lessened, and with that some of my exhaustion. And it seemed pretty easy work, too! I remember being frustrated a little, I remember it hurting to work in the pool, I do. But mild exercise in the water was nothing near as painful as just trying to get down the stairs in my house. I handled it.

After one month in a pool, seemingly just floating around doing mild exercises, my shoulder was dislocating less frequently. The associated muscle spasms, which were horrendous, happened less. My nerve pain levels were somewhat better. I felt better both physically and mentally. I had even lost a few pounds. But I was still sick. It would take me the next three years to almost fully return to health. I did this primarily with swim.

One thing I want to note, which was a huge contributing factor at the time, I had recently been adequately treated for my pain. I was still in pain, but it was more manageable. Can you believe that I was not treated for pain for years and years of agony? It happened. Being in agony all the time left me without any energy at all. I believe now that had I not *finally* had my pain in some sort of control at the time of this therapy I may not have been successful. Pain is a powerful deterrent to exercise. It is horrible for a can-do attitude.

But back to my story. 😛

After I completed water therapy in the winter of that first year I decided to book lap swim time with a local city program that spring. I went 2-3 days a week for an hour each day. I was slow. I was rusty at lap swimming. The first day it took me an hour to swim just a few laps. I was so weak I couldn’t get out of the pool and was afraid to drive home. But I was determined and I stuck to it. Each day I could swim more laps in less time. Each day!

When that program ended I joined a local swim group for the summer. I went almost 5 days a week for one hour each day, and that is when I really began noticing big changes. Pain, what pain?! The only pain medication I needed by then was some over-the-counter anti-inflammatories, just once or twice a day. Nerve pain and tremors? 95% improved. Muscle spasms? Rare. Slurring/fatigue/swallowing issues/GI issues/sleep issues/anxiety/tremors/muscle weakness/fainting- GONE. GONE. Gone!!!! And you know what else was gone by this time? 35lbs of dead weight. And all that fear I was carrying around that I would never be a productive person again.

Since the local city and club groups operated out of an outdoor pool and I’m sensitive to cold weather I purchased a gym membership at a facility with a pool that fall. Ever since then, except for just a few brief periods of inactivity, I have swam just 3-4 times a week for about 30 minutes each day. That’s it, and I haven’t used a cane one day since that first spring! I’ve lost 50lbs. I go to all of my kids activities and events. I travel, I hike, I write, I do so many things I had given up in those dark years! I’m fully alive. People don’t believe me when I tell them that I know what it is like to be disabled for years at a time.

So let’s talk about those “brief periods of inactivity” for a second. I should have never done that. It was a mistake. First, I took a few months off swim for excuses not worth mentioning. Within weeks I began losing muscle tone and picking up weight, my pain increased, my GI issues returned, everything began to go down hill. Within a few short months I had to “begin again”. It wasn’t as hard as the first time, but it was still very hard to regain my health and strength and the will to try. The second time I slacked was during a year in which my daughters schedules were hectic and kept me far from the gym where I swim. At the time I felt that I had no choice but to give my gym time up, but I know now that I should have figured it out. I gained back 15lbs during that period and spent more than a fair share of days in a recliner with a heating pad. Each time I learned a lesson. Swim is life.

I think sometimes about how my life might have been different if the first doctor I had seen had put me in a pool. It would have been different too, if I had always been properly treated for pain, I’m sure.

I can’t know your situation, I can’t know what is best for you and your body. All I can tell you is what I know about my situation, and what has helped me. Swim may not be something you can do. I don’t know. But if you are in a bad spot of health, looking for something, anything to try- I suggest getting in the water. For best results I suggest starting with water therapy provided by a professional.

Swim works. Swim works because you utilize and activate every muscle group. Swim works because it whips your cardiovascular system into shape too. Swim works for some people with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome because the lean muscle, the strength you gain from swim, helps keep your joints where they belong. Swim works because it releases feel-good hormones into your blood. Euphoria is awesome! Swim works for some people with connective tissue disorders because it is a low-impact sport. I can’t pound the pavement anymore- but you should see me sprint a lap! No pain. None. Ok, it makes me breathe hard and at first I was pretty achy. But just 6 years ago I could barely walk across my yard. Swim works because it is amazing how fast your body gains endurance and strength- if you push yourself even a little you will achieve success over time. And time is all we’ve got.

I wish so much I could tell sick-me what well-me knows now. Since I can’t, I hope my experience helps you to avoid your own dark years. Try it, tell me how you do.

And if swim is simply not something you can do- don’t give up. Keep looking for answers. Keep fighting. Don’t give up. I didn’t want to go to therapy that first day. I wanted to cancel the whole thing. I wanted to cancel my life. I didn’t, and it’s everything. <3

I’m baaaaack!

Wow, Poofy, what sharp teeth you have.

A photo posted by Phaedra (@phaeriedust) on

For years and years I maintained a lifestyle blog but then came Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest. My journaling became fragmented.  A little bit of me went here, a little there, and my blog withered and died. Sad story, eh? Whatever. I’m back dudes.

Here’s what I’m thinking.. I CONSTANTLY create and do stuff. But nobody knows it! That’s weird. I’d like to show you what I’m up to- and how I learned to do it… and where I got my best resources… and whether or not I’m making any money at it (usually not.)

I have a lot of interests- I get bored easy and try new things- so I’ll probably bounce around a lot, but my primary interests are crafting (mostly sewing and knitting), genealogy, web and graphic design, baking, reading, roller derby, swim, travel, music, photography, philanthropy, and art. Pretty much something for everyone, I hope.

So yeah! Stop back by sometime soon and see what you think.. that would be cool.

Today’s Projects:
This Blog- customization
Lemons- today is day 5 or 6 of putting up lemons.. only a few more days to go?
Reusable Grocery Bags- more on this soon, but here’s the pattern!